No I Do Not Have a Job Asshat!

I have been unemployed for a while and I have to say it sucks. People are real condescending when they have a job; you don’t and they know you are praying for the one they have. No way douche bag, you ain’t getting it I am here to tell you. I like the way they hold that little carrot under your nose and laugh as you roll over begging for a belly rub. I have been told; drive 300 miles, pay for a hotel room and we will reimburse you. Oh wait; ”I am sorry I forgot to tell you I have a job and you don’t, So right after you spend the little bit of money you do not have, we are not even going to call you to tell you we think you suck and you are not getting the job. Yeah honey, use those swollen fingers to e-mail us. We will not e-mail you back. Oh and if you think you can call and speak to one of us well, let me wipe the tears from my eyes as I laugh convulsively at your naiveté, you ignorant poor bitch”.

I have driven 150 miles one way, spent five hours talking to everyone in the building. The janitor thought I had a chance, but you know what the deal is. I could say it is the economy, the national debt; I mean I did try to tell Obama “don’t do it man, no we cannot!” Maybe it is the one thing no one talks about, shhhhhhh I am old. Now I know that sounds like I am in my eighties. Truth be told at least then I could be a greeter at WallyWorld, cuz I think that is a requisite. However, over 50 obviously means worn out, washed up, rode hard and put away wet.

The sad thing is that I am not alone. I know many people who are in the same boat I am in and let me tell you it is hard. When no one wants to hire you, where does that leave you? I figured I could be a prostitute, but I want a guy to look me in the eyes and he can’t do that while fumbling for my breast that is dangling around my knees. No I figure I would be paying them and that would defeat the purpose of that now wouldn’t it?

If It Is Good Enough For Joan Rivers, We Should Embrace It

Finally, a topic that makes sense and one that does not fall under the “rational stupidity rules. Washington and Colorado have raised $3 million ahead of a November vote, far outpacing the opposition to legalize and regulate pot in those two states. Advocates of pot legalization in Washington State have solicited nearly $2 million since the proposal qualified for the ballot in January, and about $1 million in Colorado since its measure earned a place on the ballot the following month.

Okay so Oompaloompa and the STD running for office should look at the money gathered in just a short time. It will be on the ballots and people will vote for it. Yeah that’s right you straight laced pompous asses. Money from pot, marihootchie, maryjane, Ganja, reefer. We as Americans could grow it, cultivate it, dry it, and package that shit right up. Pay tax on it, keep the money here and never let another country own us again. Now that is a stimulus bill.

It is illegal to have a little pot on you, because it is considered a “dangerous narcotic” and therefore leads to the hard crap, like meth and crack. Of course it does, just as alcohol was dangerous and an affront to our morality.  I got your morality (picture me grabbing my crotch ala gangsta style) right here. Instead of a stimulus bill, I say we have a stimulating bill. Smoking a stimulating joint while keeping my money right here with me. How much time would elapse before our national debt would be gone? We could keep our military from fighting drug wars because we would have our own dope. Now I will concede that the legal smoking age should be 21. Of course, glaucoma at age 21 is a little far-fetched but having nerves or just being stressed is possible. If Joan Rivers can walk in, see a doctor, get a prescription, and then buy some awesome bud all in one day, we should all be afforded the same chance. I say rock on Washington and Colorado, and I hope 48 states follow your lead, because if not, you are going to see a population explosion.

Twenty Five Men to Throw Down Dirt, or Stimulus Money Hard at Work

I live very near a major highway. So damn major it has two lanes, but highway it is. Lately I have noticed that some of the stimulus money is still hard at work. Wow I like that the President is creating jobs. (Unemployment here is at 9%)As I drive15 miles to the nearest grocery store, I have to admit it strains the last bit of my femininity to not get out of my car and beat the holy shit out of one of the two men holding the stop/slow sign. I am gobbling blood pressure pills in the front and the kids are in the back screaming, “he is touching me”, “you stink” and hitting each other with cell phones. You have to love teenagers!

As I pull the wad of gum from the back of my head, I see movement ahead near the 10-mile mark. The pace car, and finally we can start moving. I wonder if they are making these four lanes. On the other hand, are they building an overpass? It has to be something big because they are using a truck with stick on lights and a big sign that says, “follow me “We finally drive five miles up the road and there it is, nothing. Wait look over there, they are putting a two foot wide strip of dirt on the shoulder. Now mind you we sat for ten minutes in a long line of traffic, followed a pace car at 15 miles per hour, stopped to smack the kids, and slowly drove by a crew large enough to build the Manhattan Bridge as they shovel used fill dirt on the shoulder of a two-lane highway.

Reminds me of the election, like old men sitting on the liar’s bench at the country store; each trying to outdo the other with tall tales of their accomplishments knowing all along that they are desperately trying to convince the crowd they are upstanding citizens. All they really are doing is trying to out lie the other and make themselves king of the liar’s bench.

Just as the President tells us he created jobs (consider the above incident), the other liar pretends he has no money. Now back home again as we watch those picking rocks out of the fresh laid dirt. Yup, my tax dollars hard at work.